Feb 2, 12:47AM
I think the most important requirement for my future partner is that they feel like home. That’s how I’ll know. But now it’s 12:47 AM on a Tuesday and I’m absolutely losing my mind over the fact that I don’t even know what home feels like anymore. 3 years ago, home was a big empty mansion. It was a sanctuary for a handicapped man and fleeing farm animals! It was phony friends and a sweet boy who didn’t know how to lend a hand to his drowning damsel. It was starved dogs and shit-stained floors. It was knowing what the next year would bring but being paralyzed by the uncertainty of the next day. It was familiarity in change; in strangers; in sadness; in suffering. Today, home exists only in my mind. Sometimes. Through familiar thoughts – not emotions, dreams, or memories. Everything else evolves. My thoughts do, too. But past trauma is unchanging. That’s familiar. That’s comforting. How odd!
Scrolling through my Facebook timeline all I can think is: what the hell happened to you! I used to think that was towards the faces I scrolled across, but maybe I’m really asking my own reflection in the black mirror: what the hell happened to you?
Feb 12, 4:08 AM
It sucks that it’s 4:08 in the morning and I don’t know how to behave honestly or at least in a way that’s consistent with how I feel. It sucks that I learned how to play house 21 years ago instead of how to express the fact that I’m fucking lonely but being alone is the only thing that makes me happy what the fuck?
How has it been 2 years since I last spoke to someone I love but I couldn’t even recognize it then and now I keep up conversations with strangers as if my mind isn’t elsewhere is that fucked up? I have a date tomorrow and it feels so wrong because they don’t feel like home but what an odd assessment when you no longer have a home? I cry myself to sleep at night but it’s normal and all I can smell is your breath after our first kiss it’s been 5 years I know I need help but what the fuck?
In My Heads 