It’s kind of absurd how used to being alone I’ve gotten. Experiencing loss forces you to confront the impermanence of all things in your life. It gets really difficult to let new things in, being so aware of the fact that one day they, too, will be gone. 5 minutes ago I broke down because of how lonely having a dead parent at 21 makes you feel. It’s on my mind all the time, but you can’t really share that with those around you. I mean… you could. But then who would want to be around you? It’ just that I can connect anything and everything back to my dad. I just had my last first week of college classes without him. I hate how easy it was this time. I used to call him after each class to tell him about my professors and discuss the syllabi. 3 years ago today I was surprising him in the hospital for his birthday. I bought him a cat meme book I found at a record shop. I don’t know where that ended up after he died. So I guess some things get easier, while others get harder. Like change – it’s never been so painful! It’s been overwhelming, sure. But painful? No way. The more I change, along with my surroundings, experiences I have, political beliefs, taste in music, art, film, the more The Walking Dead and Outlander that continues to be produced – it’s all just more things that will never be shared with Dad. The further I get from the reality that he knew – that we knew together – the less I hear his voice in my head. Not because I don’t remember its gentle sound but because I don’t know what he’d have to say about it all anymore.
Time brings complication. It means making difficult decisions without Dad’s input. It means going about this crazy world as independently as possible, but it means constantly saying goodbye to everything all the time and truly meaning it, because it means understanding that nothing lasts.
In My Heads 